We’ve all seen the movie. There’s a fade-in to an opulent, palatial room in Babylon, Egypt, or, most likely, Ancient Rome. A decadent Emperor (Nero? Caligula?) reclines on a gilded dais, gorging on grapes and roasted pig, while all around him lustful people are doing perfectly orgiastic things. This being the movies, you’re more likely to see acres of well-oiled, toga-clad bodies squirming around than a single glimpse of dick, but no matter. Though the faaabulous Technicolor orgy scene is most oft provided as an object lesson in the consequences of bad behavior—a prelude to the rise of some religious figure, the Fall of Rome, or Samson bringing down the house—let’s face it. who amongst us, watching badly choreographed chorus boys doing some fake-ancent macarena, didn’t at least for a moment think Mmm, I want some of that?

Well, buddy, the good news is that you can get it. As Prince might have said, “Tonight we’re going to party like like it’s AD 99.” Sure, it won’t be exactly the same: the ever-lascivious Charles Laughton is long dead, and unless you’re very lucky, Russell Crowe is unlikely to show up. But, yes, you too can take part in absolutely delectable orgies, stunning sex parties, and gratifying group sex, the kind of thing that gives the religious right hissy fits.

If you’re a sexhound with decent social skills, a bit of ambition, and an apartment large enough to swing a cat, you too can play Nero (well, a kinder, gentler Nero) and throw a sex party that will leave your guests sticky and smiling. And even if you’re less a partygiver sort than a guest type, with a bit of luck and planning, you can be there when those naughty not-so-ancient slaveboys start their dance. And yippee, you can join right in.

My horny friend, this book will show you how. Why, after all, should a bunch of dead folks who spoke Latin have all the fun?

In my unceasing quest to provide you, dear reader, with more and better sex, to help you turn your lustful fantasies into lusty fact, I’ve spoken to some of the best, most experienced orgy-throwers out there and come back with a bookful of helpful hints. I’ve spoken to partygoers to find out what works and what doesn’t, and, most importantly, how to be the kind of group-grope guest who gets invited back. And I have, at great personal sacrifice, actually gone out and watched bunches of people having sex just so I could unselfishly help you make your sex life peppier, perkier, and downright more adventurous.

The rest, guys and gals, is up to you.

Hey, somebody peel me a grape.

                                                                                copyright 2005, Simon Sheppard